The past six weeks, maybe longer, have been full of ups and downs. For the most part, however, it has been mostly downs, during which episodes my mother spent most of her days in bed, said how bad she felt, said more than once how she wished she were dead. Mealtimes became unpredictable and were sometimes abandoned altogether and she would make do with an Ensure or a Boost. She repeatedly asked when we were going to see her doctor. We visit his office every four weeks, but when I offered to try to get us in early, she said not to bother, as it meant possibly getting up early, getting dressed and leaving the house. It was too big a mountain to climb. When the day finally came for our scheduled appointment, she was a mess, seemed confused and unable to get ready. All she wanted to do was go back to bed. So I went on my own, explained to her doctor what was going on, and we both agreed she seemed to be depressed. He ordered a substantial array of tests (blood and a chest x-ray) to make sure it was not a health issue, and we waited.
While waiting, something remarkable happened. I managed to link my YouTube account to our TV. Our watching, or in the first instance listening, started out rather haphazardly. My mum was in bed and I was making supper. She simply loves Frank Sinatra, and I found an audio compilation of his greatest hits and put it on at a low volume. She opened her eyes and began to listen. Over the next week or so, we watched a live Sinatra concert and other live appearances, and she began to sing “My Way” over and over again. We know a lot of Sinatra songs from a double CD I have. We used to play in the car when we went for drives. So other Sinatra tunes popped into our heads and we sang them together, to the best our of our limited abilities, as we struggled to remember the words. And slowly she seemed to brighten up. Her bad days were not so bad, and her good days lasted longer.
From Sinatra we went to Bobby Darin, then to other members of Sinatra’s Rat Pack, Sammy Davis Jr. and Dean Martin. And from there we revisited “Dancing With the Stars” and lately we spent quite some time watching segments from “Britain’s Got Talent.” In the case of the latter, she didn’t want to go to bed, but I did. I set her up in bed with her pillows propped up and left her to watch until I’m not sure when.
When we went to her doctor, this past Monday, (we had a two o’clock appointment), she started the day out feeling good, but her mood changed suddenly. She said she didn’t want to go, all she wanted to do was go back to bed. A lot of days can be like that. Up one moment and then down the next. We persevered, however, made it to the doctor’s, and once we arrived she declared, as she often does when we see her doctor, that she felt fine.
Really, Mum? Fine?
Her doctor was aware of her prolonged bout with not feeling fine from my previous solo visit. I became somewhat exasperated when she said she felt fine. I reminded her that no, she was not fine. We have issues. Part of the problem, a very large part, is that when she’s down she cannot remember when she ever felt good, and when she feels good she cannot remember when she ever felt down. A not uncommon situation in people of all ages, but with my mother a lack of perspective amplifies the condition is amplified.
Thankfully she did not make a fuss when her doctor suggested she take a low-dose anti-depressant. He gave us a month’s worth of samples, and we’ll see how she’s doing when we visit him next month.
The good news, of course, is that physically she’s in really good shape. Now if we can only get her mood up and stabilized she can have some happier times to look forward to.
In the meantime my plan is to turn to YouTube when the games shows run out (the Game TV station is a big deal in our household) and the news is too depressing, and find some music to get her motor running.
As an aside, believe it or not, I found a video of my dad playing trumpet in the Oscar Rabin Band back in the late 1930s. He was a professional musician in England until we moved to Canada in 1958, where he continued his career with the Canadian Army Band. He has since passed, and so when I showed this video to my mum, it blew her mind. “There he is. Look, look. First trumpet on the left.” How often does anyone happen to come upon such a chance gift from the past?